Breakeven
by frakkingblerg
Summary: Occasionally things break, but they never break evenly. Sharon can't seem to move on. Completely Sharon POV story. Sharon/Brenda established couple.


_"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay? I'm falling to pieces. Cuz when a heart breaks, no it don't break even." __**'Breakeven', The Script**_

For the first Sunday afternoon in almost a year, Sharon found herself sitting alone on the couch. Her 'to do' list was a mile long, but she had no motivation to actually do anything. She had spent all of yesterday watching particularly embarrassing break up movies, including her personal favorite, _Bridget Jones's Diary_. At this point, she was pretty sure she and Bridget could move into a flat together with a tribe of cats until they died and were found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs. Flipping through the channels, she tried to distract herself from the quiet. She needed to find something, or someone, to fill the void left by a certain Deputy Chief. Well something at least, there was no way she could even consider dating, not at this moment. They'd endured more than their fair share of spats throughout the relationship, even taking some time apart to process, but this was the first time things felt so final. And the brunette wasn't sure where to go from here, both personally and professionally. How would they work together, much less be in the same room together come Monday? Damn Pope and his Monday morning, head of department meetings. Sharon hadn't seen or heard from the blonde since Tuesday evening, and she was more than happy to continue this purposeful avoidance as long as possible. Nothing could be worse than someone at work seeing her cry. And at this moment, she wasn't sure how she'd be able to hold it together once she caught a glimpse of Brenda.

Sharon pushed the images of the younger woman out of her mind and grabbed her computer from the coffee table. Waking the screen, she settled into the couch and opened Skype, figuring her daughter would most likely be idly surfing the internet at this hour on the East Coast. By the second ring, she saw that red-head staring back at her in the monitor.

"Hey, Ma – how's it going?"

"Hey, Tor," smiled the older woman, attempting to hide how terrible she was currently feeling.

"You look exhausted, Mom. Everything okay? Wait, its like 4 there. Why aren't you out with Brenda? I thought you guys were picking out stuff for the office this weekend?" Tori took a sip of tea and cocked her head, looking at her mother with genuine concern.

"Well, honestly, I think we broke up." As soon as the words left her mouth, Sharon felt a pang of guilt. This wasn't something she should be burdening her younger daughter with. Unfortunately, she didn't have anyone else to talk to, and Annie was most likely sleeping if she wasn't working. Pregnancy and a full-time job as a psychologist really had taken it out of her the past few months. Not to mention, Sharon would never call her oldest with this kind of information anyway. As much as she loved her, talking to Annie about anything personal was like receiving a free therapy session. There would be far too many questions about how she felt and what she could do differently next time to avoid the same outcome. At least with Tori, she could bitch and moan without fear of judgment or interrogation.

"Oh no, what happened? Things seemed to be going so great with you guys."

The brunette sighed, and swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. It was one thing to talk to her daughter about this, she couldn't break down in front of her…she didn't want Tori to worry.

"Tuesday after work, we went to look at some desks. Brenda kept insisting on looking at these hideous desks and rather ostentatious leather chairs. At first, I thought she was kidding and I laughed it off. But, I guess she was serious about them. They just looked so much like our work furniture, and I wanted our home office to not feel so sterile. Anyway, I may have…Well, I sort of told her that it wasn't her house so her opinion didn't matter as much as mine," Sharon winced as she recalled how horrible those words sounded and how much they'd hurt the blonde. Brenda had stormed out of the store and pouted in the car, ordering the Captain to drive them home when she'd come out to talk. The younger woman had actually taken the key Sharon gave her months ago off her key ring and attempted to return it, right there and then. Of course the brunette wouldn't take it, but the gesture had hurt her nonetheless.

"Mom! Why would you say that? Didn't Brenda move in? You can't make all the decisions anymore now that…"

"I know, Tor, I know. I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't listen. As soon as we got home, she packed a bag and left. I haven't heard from her since and I'm starting to get worried that I'll never get the chance…" The brunette couldn't finish, the tears were welling up and she desperately wanted to hold it together for her child. Nothing was worse than seeing your parent cry. At that moment, she felt Brenda's cat jump on the sofa, settling himself in her lap. It was like he had a sixth sense, he wanted to comfort her.

"It's okay, Ma, I'm sure she'll come back. Is that Joel? Well, obviously she has to come back, unless you got custody of the cat. In which case, you can feel free to send the little man to me. We both know you're not home nearly enough to take care of an animal by yourself."

"We both know you're never home either," deadpanned the older woman.

"Do you want me to call her? Scope out the situation for you?" While Tori may not have a degree in Psychology like her sister, she did have a great relationship with her mom's girlfriend. And they had really bonded over the last few months, maybe Brenda would talk to her.

"No, Victoria, I don't need you doing my dirty work. I'm the mother, remember? I don't need you fighting my battles. But thanks, I appreciate the thought." Sharon was touched by the gesture, although she would never put her child in the middle of this.

"Oh, it's almost 8:30 here – I've got to go. Call me if you need anything. Or you could always call Annie, I'm sure she would be more than happy to listen…"

"I will not be calling your sister about this, not yet. And don't you go telling her. We both know how _that_ conversation will go," quipped the older woman.

"Well, at least you get the family discount for her services," smirked the red-head. A look she had obviously picked up from her mother.

"Ugh. Love you, Tori. Thanks for listening." Sharon closed her laptop and laid it back down on the coffee table. While she had been able to go to work for the last few days, she hadn't had motivation to do much else. And now, she desperately needed to shower, it wasn't like she had much else going on.

The brunette turned the water up. It was almost scalding, but she needed to feel something. Resting her head against the front of the shower, she released the wail that had been building since Tuesday night. She sobbed, no longer caring how weak it made her feel. Brenda had crashed into her life, full speed, and turned everything upside down. As much as the Captain had fought against the relationship, the younger woman had eventually won her over, won her heart. They fit together perfectly, more perfectly than anyone else Sharon had ever been with. And now, that beautiful blonde was gone, from her home and her life. Sharon thought she had prepared for this moment, but nothing could prepare her for how much this hurt. This pain was greater than anything she had experienced. The constant concern for where Brenda was, coupled with the fear that this was the end. The blonde would never walk through their front door, kick off her shoes, and shoot Sharon an adorable wide smile. For the rest of her life, she would look back and wonder what could have been.

Sitting down in the shower, she scooted back to lean against the wall. As the water hit her legs, she couldn't help but wonder what Brenda was doing. Was this affecting her at all? If the brunette was being honest, she figured the younger woman was already falling head over heels for someone else. She had wasted no time courting the Captain after Fritz left, it was only a matter of time before she jumped into yet another serious relationship. In fact, she was probably with the guy (or girl) now. And at that moment, all Sharon could feel was jealousy. Not only for Brenda's new man, or woman, but that the Chief could just move on without shedding a tear. Obviously, this wasn't affecting her too much, considering she had refused to communicate with the Captain at all. Texts and calls had gone unanswered, and Sharon was pretty sure she had single-handedly filled Brenda's voicemail box. Now when she went to leave a message on her cell, that annoying automated woman would tell her there was no longer space left. Or maybe the blonde had just blocked her number? Either way, the older woman wasn't sure how much more she could take. She would allow herself this weekend to fall apart, but she needed to get a grip. At almost 60, she would survive and eventually move on. Picking herself up off the floor, she trudged out of the shower and fell on the bed, still wet. Right now, she was too tired to worry about anything else.

Sharon startled awake, she had fallen in her dream. Glancing over she saw it was 5am. She had slept for almost 12 hours, a new record. Only four more hours until her dreaded Monday morning meeting, when she would finally have to face Brenda. The good news was, at least she would know the blonde was alive. Now she needed to figure out what to wear. The brunette settled on a black pencil skirt the Chief absolutely loved, the one she said made Sharon's legs look like they were a mile long, and a rather revealing red silk button-up. While she felt like total shit, she could at least look amazing and pretend this break up wasn't affecting her. Maybe the blonde would realize what she lost?

Clipping into Will's office at exactly 8:59, Sharon glanced around the room, noting that everyone was present except the one person she actually wanted to see. Pope began with his usual speech about how necessary it was to work together and share information. The brunette zoned out, until she heard her Deputy Chief barrel through the door, full speed.

"Sorry I'm late everyone," mumbled the blonde as she sat down in the seat furthest from Sharon. The Captain rolled her eyes. Perfect, it was good to see that the younger woman wasn't going to be petty about this. Chancing a glance, the brunette saw that the Chief looked like hell. She obviously hadn't seen a brush in the past few days and her clothes were a wrinkled mess. Not to mention, her eyes looked rather bloodshot, almost like she had cried recently. The older woman had to fight the urge to walk over and put her arms around Brenda, she hated seeing her so visibly upset. Maybe she wasn't handling the break up as well as Sharon thought?

Will continued his speech, reiterating what departments could use improvements and how they all could learn from each other. Pen in hand, the brunette stared at her notepad, lost in thought. It wasn't until she heard her name mentioned that she looked up.

"Well, Captain Raydor?" Will was obviously frustrated by her lack of attention. She felt like she was back in elementary school, being singled out for daydreaming.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Could you repeat that again, Chief? I didn't catch the end," sighed the brunette, rubbing at her head.

"I said, do you have as much dealing difficulty with Major Crimes as the other divisions? You've spent the most time working closely with Chief Johnson. I was wondering if you had anything to add to the conversation, perhaps ways to better help her make interactions more friendly with other divisions?"

Oh for fuck's sake, this was not happening. Seeing as Will was still blissfully ignorant of their relationship (they had told their respective teams and HR only, hoping to avoid the rumor mill that was the LAPD), he had no idea how loaded that question now was. Obviously this was why the blonde looked so upset, she must have had some sort of run in with another department. Brenda was moving on, and the Captain was kidding herself that there was a chance they could work this out. And while it would be easy to throw the Chief under the bus, say she was a pain in the ass to work with, Sharon didn't want to add fuel to the fire. Instead she opted for honesty and hoped it would make things easier between the two women in the long run, once Brenda moved out.

"With all due respect, sir, I have a difficult time with every division. No one really enjoys a visit from FID. One thing I admire about Major Crimes, and especially Chief Johnson, is her loyalty. Once she knows she can trust you, she is more than willing to defend you and make your life easier. With all that she's gone through in the last year and a half, with the lawsuit and her character being questioned, its understandable that she would be hesitant to work closely with anyone outside of her division. She has done nothing but bolster the LAPD's reputation for the last eight plus years. So perhaps, instead of asking how we can change Chief Johnson, we should be asking how we all could change to make it easier for her. Maybe we all should be more cognizant of her feelings and what she's been through, instead of pointing the finger at her and saying she's the problem." Sharon looked over at the blonde and smiled, attempting to convey her reassurance. While they may no longer be a couple, the Captain would still have the younger woman's back, professionally speaking.

"Chief Pope, Will, I have to…'scuse me," the blonde whispered, before rushing out of the room. Sharon caught a glimpse of the younger woman before she left, her face was practically white. Genuinely concerned, the Captain excused herself and bolted out the door, tripping down the hallway. While she wasn't sure exactly where Brenda went, she assumed the nearest women's restroom was her best bet.

Opening the door, she immediately heard someone getting sick. Taking a deep breath, she called out for the blonde.

"Brenda, are you in here?" No response. Apparently the Chief was hell-bent on making this as difficult as possible. The brunette took a chance, and started looking under the doors, searching for a pair of brightly colored kitten heels or something to indicate that Brenda was in here. Spotting a floral skirt, Sharon knocked on the stall door.

"Honey, let me in, please," pleaded the Captain. She heard the door unlatch and open slightly. Careful of the other woman, she slinked into the stall and crouched down, grabbing back blonde hair and placing a light kiss on Brenda's neck before she vomited again. The Chief had obviously been crying, very recently. And after almost a year together, Sharon knew that the younger woman could get so upset she physically couldn't hold anything down. As much as she wanted to walk out, leave the blonde like she had left Sharon, her heart wouldn't allow her to move from the bathroom.

"Shhh, it's okay. You're okay," reassured the brunette, continuing to hold the smaller woman's hair back, lightly stroking her back. They stayed like this for a few more minutes, until the Chief's heaving stopped. Sharon watched as the blonde sat back against the stall wall, facing her.

"Will you get my toothbrush out of my purse, Shar? I threw it somewhere on the sink counter." Brenda sighed, resting her head on the wall.

"Are you planning on brushing your teeth on the bathroom floor," smirked the brunette, as she got up to retrieve the purse. After a few seconds of rummaging, she was able to locate the toothbrush in the Chief's oversized and rather unorganized purse.

"Here, let me help you up." Sharon extended her hand, pulling Brenda off the floor. After giving the younger woman her things, the brunette went to leave, not wanting to stay too long or make things more uncomfortable than they already were.

"Stay, please," breathed the Chief, meeting the older woman's eyes.

Sharon stood for a moment, allowing the blonde to clean herself up, then took a deep breath.

"Why do you want me here?" Honestly, the Captain just wanted to leave. Being in the same room with her now ex-girlfriend was too difficult. It was taking every ounce of self-control she had to not completely fall apart and beg the blonde to take her back. She looked up into those big brown, now watering eyes, and tears began pricking behind her own eyelids. They just stared, Sharon unsure whether to run toward the blonde or out the door and back to the safety of her own office.

At that moment, Brenda lunged, wrapping the older woman into her arms. Sharon could no longer hold back the tears, and cried into blonde curls. The Chief was also crying, if the brunette's damp shoulder was any indication.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything. I love you," wept the younger woman, burying her face into the Captain's shoulder.

Sharon no longer cared how weak and desperate she looked, crying in Brenda's arms. As much as she wanted to be strong, to act like this wasn't affecting her, she needed the blonde. She just hoped that Brenda's words meant she felt the same.

_A/N: Sorry this was really angsty, I'm not normally a fan of break up stories. Don't worry, there's a sequel in the works. I just wanted to try a story completely from Sharon's POV and I couldn't stop playing this song. I HIGHLY recommend checking out the cover of 'Breakeven' by Sugarland and J Rome on Youtube, it's incredible. Thanks for reading! As usual, comments, thoughts, and song requests are appreciated and encouraged! _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._


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